If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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