I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
