a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
