Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize