Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
