I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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