Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
