Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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