if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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