Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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