Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
