I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
