You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They took my balls.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
