I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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