College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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