Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
