god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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