He is such a slut. More and more my type.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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