i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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