I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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