What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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