We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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