You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
how drunk are you?
Several
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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