if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
