i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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