All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
