I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
