I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
