Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
