and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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