Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
why do cheetos always look like penises
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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