He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
