saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
