So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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