just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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