Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
