I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
