I only kidnapped one of them. chill
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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