The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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