Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
