So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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