Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize