You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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