Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
