I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize