I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
