She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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