I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
