I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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