I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
