I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
