Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
