Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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