I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
