I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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