Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
