My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
